I was always me, I just wasn't always allowed to be

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For the past two years or so I've been on a journey of self-acceptance and healing. This is a small piece of what that journey has looked like.

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Growing up my family had a huge aversion to anything LGBT. My father had left my mom back in the mid-nineties, not too much of an atypical thing right? The difference was that my Dad had come out to my mother as “gay” (how ever many) years into their marriage. Three kids deep into the relationship when my father came home from the war he “came out” to my mom. Since then Decades of hate and prejudice were force fed to us from everyone close to us.

I remember my mother quoting “when your father left me to fuck a bunch of men” periodically throughout our entire childhood and even into adulthood. High stigmas enforced by family, church, and social norms that LGBT+ or alternative lifestyles are highly sinful taboos.

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first I want to be clear this is about brining awareness to the lack of diversity in society I personally faced in my own childhood. It goes unnoticed because no one wants to talk about it. For a long time I had invalidated that my childhood was traumatic. This is my first time voicing this reality. I hope that the people who read this may find some comfort and healing. so many days I felt alone and hopeless, I am ready to not have to hide who I am around anyone I call family or friend please be kind as I learn how to best express myself

There are many beautiful things I intend to share about my mother and her perseverance, which is the biggest lesson I learned from my mother. My mother grew up and lived on farm land out in New Mexico where Generational family trees with deep roots are all around and the concept of being “progressive” was such a sin.

There are still many members of my family who will still have that mindset. I used to fear their disapproval, but I know I could never make up for their beliefs that because my father was gay his children are damned. This is how my siblings and I were brought up, parts of our family saw us as hopeless and others tried so hard to force feed us “salvation”. Basically we were born into this world tainted with sin, with skin pigment, and with disapproval from a huge portion of our “family”. We had to be perfect little angels to deserve to even have a chance at salvation.

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This concept was greatly enforced by an aunt who married into the family. I guess apparently she used to have a pretty wild sinful life before she met my uncle and found her way to God. And she was big on the idea that we have to earn salvation, she seemed to feel she must now dedicate her life to earning her place. Or maybe keeping it? so she over corrected and basically strangled free will for herself and in turn everyone around her. “We were given life now we must give our life” is how she lived, which is totally NOT THE TRUE MEANING OF LIFE!!

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Now for a moment begin to think of what this trauma, constant in someone’s life, would do.

Yeah you guessed it, A LOT!!!!

As you can imagine I've got a lot of work to do unraveling toxic mindsets that were engrained within me since birth. I am eradicating the horrible agreements with reality that I was influenced to make. In their stead I am now building new agreements with reality. I am proud of how far I have come already!

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My biggest enemy is my mind and its self-defeating talk, part of my mind wants to remain blind and hidden. As I face the darkest corners of myself some very strong demons have shown their faces. I used to run and cower in the dark, now I look them eye to eye and read their pain. Reminds me of the classic exorcism scene, the more you engage and point out the weakness the harder it will lash out. I feel like I am mentally taming parts of my most wounded self. Through consistency, love, and support I have made it through a lot. This is what I hope to capture though my writing.

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So there I was telling the man I was married to for 8 years that I had been dead inside for years and I had to leave so I could find my way to healing. This was my first real time standing up for myself. I had no idea how many steps I would take later or what they may be, I just knew I needed to take that step. So that is what I've been doing these past two years, taking it one step at a time as fate unravels.

Remember, Love is Everywhere

- <3 KIT